Letter from the President of the University of Nowhere in Particular (UNP)
by J.V. Sumpter
Last week, I met with members of the Peasant Rabblerousing Association to talk about the “Protect UNP with Our Fists If We Have To” campaign, and I am now writing to you directly to address our upcoming institutional plans, why they are necessary, and why it is so important that we implement them now.
Private debt factories nationwide are facing demographic changes, new sexual demands, and threats to their financial stability. These challenges have been exacerbated by the third global pandemic since President Clinton last fell asleep. To put that into perspective, the birthrate has declined 69% since 2008 (nice), which has decreased the number of peasants thinking about joining our cult. The pandemic reduced first year enrollment across the country this year by little more than 1% from last year. You know what this means, bitches: you’ll never get out of hell.
As UNP navigates these challenges, we remain committed to ensuring that each of you have the transformative indoctrination experience that attracted you to UNP in the first place. We are also doubling down on our mission – To condition each peasant to think obediently, accept rough love bravely, cry silently, and live normally in a world convulsing in operatic death throes. Normalcy is imploding around us and institutions of voluntary indoctrination are not exempt. This means making difficult but delightful decisions to eliminate some useless personnel and to add more resources to growth areas of our Debt Factory. As the world changes and the demands of peasants and society change, so must UNP.
Our Faculty members are understandably concerned by realignment. They have requested that they fully participate in — and approve — any revisions to sexual programs. I have assured our Faculty that they will be fully informed of and invited to participate in proposed changes. (They didn’t buy that for a second, but there’s nothing they can do about it — LOL.) Here’s the rock-hard thrust of things: we must change. Although institutional realignment plans will be announced in the coming months, program changes will not take effect until the very last possible second. Trust me, you won’t feel a thing.
A number of years ago and prior to my dismissal from the Lido Des Girls, UNP attempted a different realignment. At that time, UNP utilized a process that is a very similar to the process requested by the Faculty in the “Protect UNP with Our Fists If We Have To” campaign. This realignment process resulted in insufficient monetary gain and did not include any late-night white-trash prosperity-gospel programming. We have the insight and the opportunity to do things differently.
Voluntary indoctrination is rapidly declining in profitability, and we must look objectively at our insatiable lust for blood and money in order to better utilize all areas of the hive. There will be Faculty involvement — and UNP community involvement — in the realignment of our Debt Factory. I have no qualms about using my gun.
In addition, our Faculty members requested more participation with our Board of Major Surgeries. Two weeks ago, the Board offered our Faculty a purely ceremonious role in Board activities with a Faculty member on eight standing committees in addition to a Faculty Observer position that already exists. These entirely new positions offer the Faculty front-row seats to the theatre of bodily mutilation performed weekly by the Board of Major Surgeries. We are awaiting a response from the Faculty, and I am optimistic that this proposal creates a path forward for frequent consensual intercourse with our Board. I am confident that with improved communication and a fair amount of Viagra, this r/DeadBedrooms situation can be resolved.
Unfortunately, the “Protect UNP with Our Fists If We Have To’’ campaign has distracted from the many positive developments throughout the Debt Factory.
Our new Doctorate of Toddler Lobotomies (DTL) will launch in January. We have added the successful Eugenics Assistant program and a Master of Science in Plastic Sofa Covers. Our Faculty have been instrumental in creating programs in Statistics and Cockroach Science and Logistics and Spam Email Management. This is just to say I have eaten the plums that were in the icebox and which you were probably saving for breakfast. I do not apologize.
Importantly, new capital projects are under way, including the construction of a new double-panopticon to replace Borton and Mentano, mold-invested peasant containment units built in 1969 (nice) that will open when the fat lady gets nodules on her vocal cords. Last year, UNP had the second largest fundraising year in the history of UNP with the generosity of our indentured servants and friends that will entirely fund capital projects such as the new Political Correction Center, upgrades to Cashew Street, and a renovation to Graves Hall as well as Faculty Chairs, peasant grants, and so much more. Fundraising allows us to build infrastructure for our Debt Factory without relying on peasant labor to update the hive with sphynxes that have my face on them. (Though that would be totally sick ngl.)
Leadership always presents itself as important, but I hope you recognize that it is basically meaningless in the dawn of an unstoppable apocalypse. Through these invigorating changes, my primary focus and ultimate responsibility remains to care about your indoctrination and your experience at UNP. As I recently shared in a letter to indentured servants, our Debt factory moved to Nowhere in Particular a century ago to become Nowhere in Particular Cult. Our catalog in 1919 proudly boasted that “the indoctrination demands of today and tomorrow are not those of yesterday.” That was true of our first 100 years in Nowhere in Particular and it is true of our next 100 years.
I assume. Who knows. I’m a psychopath, not a prophet.
Finally, I want to thank our entire UNP community and especially you, our peasants, for the way you have navigated this particularly rancid year. I know that it has been difficult with our plague containment mandates in place, but you have been extraordinary, and collectively, we have made sure no one’s vomit got in anyone else’s hair. Our future will be based on that same support. I am proud of you and excited about the future we are building together at UNP.
From my lips to God’s ears, and from your wallet to my vault,
All my best,
Christhelpus W. Piedtruschzktzcietdvwviczs
University of Nowhere in Particular
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
J.V. Sumpter has a BFA from the University of Evansville. She is an assistant editor for Kelsay Books, Thera Books, and freelance clients. Her most recent publications include The New Welsh Review, Leading Edge Magazine, and Not Deer Magazine. Visit her on Twitter @JVSReads.