Complaint 96.9

by J. F. Gleeson

REALITY Kitchen Nightmares B.C. it’s Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares but it’s the stone age THIS MAMMOTH LEG IS FUCKING RAW

REALITY Kitchen Nightmares Surprise Edition it’s Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares and he climbs in your window when you’re making dinner THIS PASTA IS FUCKING RAW

COMEDY season 1 of Frasier but with the cast of season 2 of Frasier

DRAMA it’s Mindhunter but it’s season 3 and it has the cast of Stranger Things and Kate Bush does all the songs

REALITY everyone is back from the dead and everyone’s trying to adjust to the departed coming knocking and the dead are knocking at the door but uh-oh they’ve only brought their favourite books with them as well it’s book club time

COMEDY the Office but at an office where I used to work where it was usually just me in there and sometimes I lay down on the floor

DRAMA deleted scenes from 24 where Jack Bauer has IBS 13 of the hours are on the toilet and 8 of the hours are trying to find a toilet ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS JACK YES I AM TONY

REALITY tearjerking confessional show with piano music where it’s all the fish the nature documentarians grabbed out of the river and showed the camera and threw back in the river gathering in a group session to say what the fuck was that

DRAMA live action adaptation reboot of the Simpsons and the people are painted yellow

COMEDY it’s Friends and it’s 12 seasons but it’s your friends and everyone who watches it doesn’t get the injokes but they do get unsettled and feel weird after watching it

DRAMA it’s a fantasy series but it’s like a history series and there’s loads of boobs so that people go hey too many boobs and people go well hey now what’s this I hear about a lot of boobs and then they tone down the boobs but it’s too late

REALITY Most Haunted: Your House where the Most Haunted gang get into your house and start turning the lights off and screaming and throwing their shoes and fainting

ANIMATION The Simpsons reboot and the people are painted yellow when they do the voices


TV SHOW: THE MOVIE where the cinemas are finally open and you can go back and you have to sign into Netflix on the big old screen and you can watch Ozark or Queen’s Gambit and you can’t watch other things

MOVIES: THE TV SHOW finally every movie of history is available online and finally divided into 20 minute pieces what were you binging at the weekend don’t tell me what happens I’m only on season 1 of Rat Race

IMAGINE the greatest TV show you can possibly think of but it gets cancelled before you can think of it


INJECTION you plug your laptop into your eyeball and it goes right into your brain and you never have to choose what to watch again because it knows what you want and shows it to you and commercials for mattresses

THE NEWS but you get to vote for your favourite news and they don’t show any of the other news

DOCUMENTARY hard hitting and traumatising and sensitive documentary TV show following people with any stomach problems who really need to go for a shit but they can’t because they are on the train or the bus or there is nowhere to go or everywhere is closed

REALITY where people in their 30s watch videos of Crash Bandicoot and Super Mario 64 until they cry and then the music comes in and then everybody cries

ANIMATION it’s a brand new award winning irreverent hilarious cartoon show adults aren’t allowed to watch it and kids aren’t allowed to watch it

CLIFFHANGERS the TV show where someone gets killed at the end of every scene but don’t worry they didn’t

SPOILERS: THE TV SHOW where every scene is spoilers for another show you love to watch

CLIFFHANGERS: THE TV SHOW: THE PAYWALL EDITION it’s like Cliffhangers but you have to pay $9.99 to see what happened after the cliffhanger

YOUR LIFE: THE TV SHOW you have to pay an extra subscription fee only 2 thousand dollars a month to be alive and you have to have a good internet connection and sometimes it’s buffering and sometimes it hasn’t been uploaded in good quality and sometimes the internet cuts out and sometimes they pull episodes and sometimes they pull the show

J. F. Gleeson’s work has appeared or will or might or could maybe soon appear in Maudlin House, Bullshit Lit, the Bear Creek Gazette, Ligeia, Overheard, The Daily Drunk, Sublunary Review, ergot., Déraciné, Mandrake, Weird Horror, Dark Void, Crow & Cross Keys and other places. He has a website:

Photo by Ivan Samkov.

One thought on “Complaint 96.9

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